The Countere Guide to Spotting NPCs
All art by Tanzanian Wojak
In this game of life—this massively multiplayer role-playing game—one encounters many characters. They hail from different races and classes: Nords, dwarves, Black, White, Asian, Blasian, tree-huggers, hill-folk, and cat-people (Khajits). Some are clearly on level 99—maxed out in strength and intelligence statistics, surrounded by beautiful people, generating millions of dollars a year in passive income—while others are stuck on level 1, jerking off with the cheeto grease from their processed diets. Some are players like yourself, but most are NPCs: non-playable characters.
The phrase NPC comes from video games, where everyone but yourself is usually a non-playable character: companions, shopkeepers, bosses. This changed with online multiplayer games like World of Warcraft, where you could meet other human players, as opposed to NPCs generated by the game and its developers.
NPCs can do many things. And many such things can be done to them! They can be befriended, bartered with, tricked, made love to, fed to the wolves, caressed gently, pied in the face, or handed over to a cannibal cult in the mountains. But ultimately, the NPC is a prisoner to their programming. They follow a set path through the game world and can’t deviate from it. Intellectual conversations with an NPC end with them repeating the same sentences over and over again: “But…but…Science!”
The defining feature of the NPC is their predictability. It’s not their fault—their code has its limits. How many people do you meet nowadays, and within a few minutes—based on their phraseology—you can, like silver balls sliding into alignment, predict all their other beliefs? How many times have you thought you were talking to a real person, when suddenly their eyes glaze over, their flesh turns cold, and they start stammering cliche stock phrases like a malfunctioning robot? Is the so-called ‘person’ in front of you responding to you, or just regurgitating pre-programmed bile disguised as thought? My friend, you’ve encountered an NPC.
A player character—which we’ll shorten to player—on the other hand, surprises you. She is capable of critical thought. She rejects labels such as “Democrat” or “Republican.” Like the Wasteland Wanderer in Fallout 3, she makes ideological alliances but remains independent. When bad things happen, the player knows that it is her responsibility, not the game’s. As players complete their quests, their views of the game evolve—unlike the NPC, who changes their views every year based on social pressure.
The freedom-loving player inflames the NPC, who often views the player as a walking contradiction. Of course, the player is in some sense contradictory: the player is full of life—and life itself is dynamic and paradoxical. The player knows this, and embraces it. This is why trolling is righteous. True trolling only affects NPCs. Unlike the player, who realizes life is a game, the NPC is designed to react to the player’s actions, often entertainingly. An uncomfortable truth, a godly physique, or even a simple tweet will cause them to break into a sweat and start hammering away on their computer. The NPC gets outraged easily, pulled in any direction, flailing like a puppet controlled by a malevolent toddler, but the NPC is really just outraged at life, because the NPC is not truly alive. STFU NPC!
Spotting an NPC can be tricky. They’re not just people you don’t like—for example, not all Communists are NPCs. They can be angry Scots, manic pixie camgirls, Asian hypebeasts, wealthy SJWs, or establishment Republicans. They are human vessels for imbecilic zombie lifestyles. Highly sensitive individuals can discern the hollow aura of an NPC…but for the rest of us, we at Countere have written a guide to spotting a wild NPC.
A collection of NPCs from around the Internet.
They attend protests
Pretty much anyone who regularly attends protests is a guaranteed NPC. Viewed from above, the protest looks like a convention of unique individuals, but through thermal lenses, it’s the same grey person multiplied over and over again. NPCs go to protests to share an emotional experience with other NPCs…a role that religion would normally play, if the NPCs had one! (See below.)
They have no religion
Nothing happens to the NPC after they die.
They’re always outraged
The NPC watches CNN or FOX. The NPC scrolls Twitter, growing increasingly outraged with every Tweet, until they find a digital stoning taking place, which they eagerly join. In fact, NPC hordes comprise virtually all “cancelling” mobs.
The player looks up at the sky. He enjoys the thought of colonizing Mars. She wonders about life on Europa. The player looks forward to the day when their intelligence can fuse to that of a giant spaceship and they can exist for eons, unearthing the curiosities of the universe.
They’re convinced the world is ending
Unlike the player, who has lived thousands of lives before and after, the NPC is bound to this game world. The NPC lacks the perspective of history, and so always believes the end of the world is imminent. When you hear the NPC say things like “The world is going to end in 15 years”—something that was also said 15 years ago and 1500 years ago!—go ahead and smash a cucumber over the NPCs head.
The Aztecs believed the sun was always about to go out. Our grandparents dealt with the threat of nuclear apocalypse. The NPC is easy prey for manipulators, who know fear equals control.
The Western World, with the exception of Canada, displays relatively low overall NPC-ness—though that trend has shifted in modern times. The lowest concentrations of NPCs worldwide are found in South America, East Africa, and Oceania. China, with the sole exception of Xi Jinping, is 100% NPCs.
They love labeling themselves
The average NPC falsely claims they are an INTJ, is married to a BIPOC, has ADHD, and identifies as a dual Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw.
Named after Robert H. Goddard, an American physicist who built the world’s first liquid-fueled rocket, “Goddard’s Law” states that “The more labels one applies to themselves, the higher chance they are an NPC.” “Schwartz’s Tweak” amended Goddard’s law to state: “The more labels one applies to themselves, particularly in their social media bios, the higher chance they are an NPC.”
They rock a unique hairstyle
Closely related to Goddard’s Law, the “Cyberpunk Law” states that: “The more body modifications one has, including tattoos, piercings, and dyed hair, the higher chance they are an NPC.” Obviously there are exceptions, but prominent NPC theorists speculate this is tied to decaying algorithms in the NPC’s code, mutating their outward appearance.
This law is named after the video game “Cyberpunk 2077,” whose brash, spiky-haired, gender-bending humans were capable of nothing more than running around, saying nonsense phrases, and eventually disappearing.
They went to college
Being an NPC isn’t a terminal fate. In fact, humans can switch between being an NPC and a player—sometimes in the same day! Unfortunately, colleges have played a huge role in the NPC-ization of America. In the old days, you were supposed to go to school and learn useful things—such as welding. Nowadays, privileged kids at college learn nonsense designed to make them more outraged. Thankfully, there are some majors that still teach one how to be a player, not an NPC sheep.
Examples of NPC majors: Anthropology, Art History, Communications, Drama and Theater Arts, East Asian Studies, Ethnicity and Race Studies, Gender Studies, Philosophy
Example of player majors: Architecture, Astrophysics, Bagpiping, Blacksmithing, Egyptology, Fermentation Sciences, Mathematics, Russian Literature
Distribution of NPCs in America. Notice the “Player Belt”—a widely-respected swath of land connecting Ohio, Texas, and Montana. In America, most NPCs are found on the coasts, particularly California, Florida, and New York.
They love porn and coming
A player is talking to an NPC, who is suffering from low testosterone. Player tells him that not masturbating was linked to an increase in testosterone; that during sex, a completely different set of neurons fire in the brain of someone who doesn’t watch porn; that in his own personal experience, after abstaining from porn and masturbation, he’s felt connected much more emotionally with his partner, and felt more wonder and awe in his day-to-day life.
“I don’t know,” the NPC says. “I think it’s healthy to masturbate. Masturbating once a week reduces the risk of prostate cancer.”
They fear raw eggs
Nothing scares the NPC more than the intellectual unknown. This is why they trust Science—not the scientific process, which encourages skepticism and asking questions, but capital-S Science. The NPC will always cow to what “Scientists” are saying. Never mind that that “scientific consensus” changes every few years—as opposed to the word of God!
This crystallizes in the debate over raw eggs. As we’ve proven in the pages of this magazine, raw eggs promote a healthy nation. Most Old World cultures enjoy them, from the Philippines to Japan to Russia. You have more chance of dying in a car accident than you have dying from eating raw eggs. Yet watch how the NPC responds when you slonk raw eggs in front of them…how they writhe, how they shriek, how they lunge to stop you from eating your God-given birthright!
They’re obsessed with Nazi Germany
For some reason, the NPC displays an unusual fixation with Nazi Germany. In any argument, they’re always eager to say the word “Nazi.” NPC theorists speculate that this is because NPCs secretly yearn for the return of the Third Reich—a state in which rewarded the NPC’s spinelessness—but whatever the case, watch for the NPC using such language, and judge them accordingly.
Their search history sucks
Average NPC’s search history:
Why do I have low testosterone
“The Communist Manifesto” PDF
Saturday Night Live
Having sex on period
How do I support my daughter’s OnlyFans
Vice
Furry porn
Kamala
Why does my girlfriend come home so late
Average player’s search history:
What happened to the lost land of Mu
“Industrial Society and Its Future” PDF
The Muslim Brotherhood
Fermented foods
Visiting East Africa
Neall Ellis
Why is my boyfriend so hot and smart
Countere Magazine
Kyriakos Grizzly Zercher lift
Finished the article? Still wondering if you or a friend is an NPC? Chances are, if you’ve read this whole article without feeling an ounce of outrage, you’re not an NPC. You’ve passed the test! But just in case, we’ve prepared a handy quiz for you, pal.
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